Parenting After Infertility
For individuals and couples who have battled infertility, the birth of a baby is an experience marked by additional layers of complexity. As a postpartum doula, I have had the privilege of supporting many families as they embark on their parenting journeys after facing the heart-wrenching challenges of infertility. And as someone who has personally navigated that experience, I find it especially fulfilling to support those new parents who have had to fight extra hard to meet their baby. In this blog post, I'd like to share insights, tips, and emotional guidance for those entering parenthood after experiencing infertility.
Acknowledge Your Unique Path
Undergoing fertility treatments is often fraught with emotional, physical, and financial challenges. It's essential to recognize and honor the path you've traveled. Understand that your experience has shaped you, and it's okay to carry the scars of your infertility journey into parenthood. In fact, these scars can make you a more resilient and empathetic parent.
Validate All of Your Emotions
As a parent who experienced infertility, you may feel an immense sense of gratitude for your baby. Because of this feeling, as a new mom I felt like I couldn’t complain about anything related to my being a mom. Sleepless nights, seemingly nonstop crying, and feeding challenges? I’d asked – begged – for all of that, right? For anyone who needs to hear this: you have permission to complain about the hard parts of parenthood, no matter how hard you wished and worked for the opportunity. Remember that it's normal to have moments of frustration, exhaustion, and doubt, even when you're profoundly grateful for your child.
Manage Expectations
The path to parenthood through infertility treatments can be highly structured and medically managed. Once your baby arrives, the lack of predictability in their routines can be jarring. Days blend into nights, structure seems to fly out the window, and it’s hard to know what to expect from one moment to the next. Having support from someone like a postpartum doula can help make sense of newborn cues, establish some modicum of a routine, and look for ways to make your household systems feel a little more efficient.
Allow Yourself to Grieve
Becoming a parent after infertility is a beautiful outcome, but it doesn't erase the pain of your past struggles. It's crucial to give yourself permission to grieve the losses, disappointments, and heartaches you've faced. The arrival of your baby doesn't mean that the pain magically disappears; it just means you've started a new chapter in your life. I highly recommend seeking the support of a mental health therapist, along with understanding friends and family, to process these complex emotions.
Don’t Neglect Your Own Needs
Your journey through infertility has likely taught you the importance of self-care. As a parent of a newborn, this lesson becomes even more critical. It's easy to neglect your own needs when you're focused on your baby. However, remember that you are better equipped to care for your child when you're well-rested and emotionally balanced. As friends, family members, and neighbors ask if there’s anything they can do to help, take them up on their offer. This is a season of life to gratefully accept whatever help comes your way.
Seek a Support System
In your infertility journey, you may have connected with a community of people who understood your experiences. Now, as a parent, it's equally important to find a support system of fellow new parents who can relate to the unique challenges you face. Join a parenting group, attend local events, or connect with online communities where you can share your concerns and joys with those who understand your journey.
Celebrate Your Strength
Infertility is a journey that requires immense strength, commitment, and resilience. As you transition into parenthood, remember that these qualities will serve you well. You've overcome tremendous challenges to become a parent, and that resilience will continue to guide you through the joys and difficulties of raising your child.
Parenting a newborn after experiencing infertility is a unique and deeply emotional journey. It's a path filled with both the wonder of new life and the scars of past struggles. As a postpartum doula, my role is to provide support, guidance, and a listening ear for families who have walked this path. Embrace your unique story, seek support, and practice self-compassion as you navigate the complexities of parenthood. Remember that you are not alone, and there is a community of parents and professionals who understand and empathize with your journey. Celebrate your strength, and cherish the special moments that come with your new role as a parent.
About the Author: Postpartum Doula Kathleen Robbins
Kathleen Robbins is a postpartum doula and Certified Lactation Counselor who has a special love for working with families who are parenting after infertility, adoption, or surrogacy. She offers in-person postpartum support to families in the St. Louis area. Not local to St. Louis? Kathleen works with families in any location through virtual and texting support. Reach out today to learn more about postpartum support for your family.
