Relationship Considerations During the Postpartum Period
“Don’t worry about buying a bottle warmer, worry about your relationship.” — Emily Oster
There’s a lot of attention placed on what you need for a new baby, like diapers, bottles, and the safest car seat on the market. Much less attention is given to the relationship that will hold all of it together. The postpartum period places real pressure on even the strongest partnerships. Sleep deprivation, physical recovery, identity shifts, and the constant needs of a newborn can quietly erode connection if you’re not paying attention.
In this season of life, dedicating some concerted effort to strengthening your relationship and maintaining a team mentality can go a long way for the health of your partnership.
Stop keeping score
It’s easy to fall into mental tallying, like who got up more times in the night, who changed more diapers, who got more uninterrupted sleep, and who washed the pump parts last. This kind of accounting may pop into your head through the day, but it almost always builds resentment rather than fairness.
The reality is that postpartum roles are rarely equal at any given time. One partner may be recovering physically. One may be carrying more of the feeding load. One may be managing logistics or returning to work. Trying to make things “even” day-to-day can create tension instead of harmony.
A more useful question is: Does this feel sustainable for both of us? If the answer is no, that’s a signal to adjust to better support each other and ensure the needs of your whole family are being considered.
Find small ways to stay connected
You likely won’t have long stretches of uninterrupted time together. Waiting for the “right” moment to reconnect usually means it doesn’t happen.
Connection in this season often looks like:
Sitting together for ten minutes after the baby falls asleep instead of immediately separating
A quick check-in: “How are you doing, really?”
A hand on the shoulder while passing in the kitchen
Sending a simple, kind text during the day
You can also remember a shared hobby and try to make that a priority. You can watch an episode of an old favorite TV show each night while feeding the baby. If you like music, choose a favorite artist to play as you drive together to pediatrician appointments. Avid Cardinals fan? Have the game on the radio in the background as you’re getting dinner ready together.
These moments of connection are easy to overlook because they’re small. They still matter. Consistency matters more than intensity right now.
Care for each other on purpose
Most of your attention is directed toward the baby. That’s appropriate, but it can leave both partners feeling unseen.
Caring for each other doesn’t need to be complicated. It might look like:
Noticing when your partner is hitting a wall and stepping in without being asked
Making sure the other person gets a shower, a nap, or a short break
Speaking with basic kindness and saying “thank you”
This can be hard when you’re exhausted, hungry, or overstimulated. What matters is that the intention is there and you try to take a moment to show your appreciation for each other.
Assume goodwill when possible
In the early weeks, patience is thin. It’s easy to interpret a short tone or a missed task as a lack of care. More often, it’s exhaustion.
If you can, start from the assumption that your partner is doing their best under strain. That mindset alone can soften a lot of unnecessary conflict.
Consider support before you “need” it
There’s a common belief that couples therapy is only for when things are going poorly. In reality, the postpartum period is an ideal time to bring in support proactively. In St. Louis, we are fortunate to have many therapists who specialize in working with couples during the postpartum period. Feel free to reach out for a personalized recommendation!
An experienced therapist can help you both:
Navigate new roles and expectations
Communicate more clearly under stress
Address small issues before they become entrenched patterns
Seeking support while things are generally okay is not excessive, it’s a way to invest in your relationship and establish healthy patterns for this new chapter of life.
Make space for ongoing conversations
Your needs and capacities will change quickly in the postpartum period. What worked last week may not work this week.
Short, regular check-ins can help:
What’s feeling hard right now?
What’s been helpful?
What do we need more or less of?
These conversations don’t need to be long or formal. But frequent check-ins can make sure everyone’s needs are being met and you have systems in place to ease the stress of the postpartum period.
The way you care for each other, especially when you’re both stretched thin, sets the tone for everything else in your home. Your relationship doesn’t need to be perfect in this season. But finding small ways to show your love, prioritize communication, and consider each other’s needs will strengthen your foundation as a couple and help you enjoy this time with your new baby.
Abou the Postpartum Doula
Kathleen Robbins is a postpartum doula in the St. Louis area. She enjoys supporting new parents as they go through the transition of welcoming a baby into their lives. To learn more about how postpartum doula support can benefit your family, reach out here.
