When I had my first baby, I quickly started to think I would never sleep again. Every newborn wakes frequently, but we found ourselves in a situation where every feeding was followed by at least an hour of settling a fussy baby. I would walk laps through our house, trying desperately to soothe her so we could all get some rest. Once she would finally settle and fall asleep in my arms, I remember counting to 100 very slowly before attempting to transfer her to her bassinet, anticipating the all-too-frequent wakeup that would occur as soon as she would be out of my arms. We’d start the process again.

I loved my baby fiercely, and I was grateful for her even in the hardest moments. But, I’ll be honest…those nights were hard. Lonely. Exhausting. And, over time, I started to dread nighttime. As soon as the brightness of the day started to fade, I would feel a creeping sadness setting in. In my mind, everyone else in the world was preparing for a restful night, and I was the only one gearing up for an endless night of walking laps.

I eventually labeled this feeling as “sunset sadness”. I’ve since heard it called “the sundown scaries” or other similar terms, but at the time, I didn’t know anyone else had a name for this because I didn’t know anyone else was feeling the same way.

Now, as a doula, I get to talk to many moms who are feeling the same way and help them realize what I didn’t, which is that this is very common and they are not alone. Also, I truly believed that I would never sleep again, but in retrospect, I can see that this phase was so temporary. Still, when you are in the thick of it, it feels endless. To help you manage these types of feelings, here are a few tips to hopefully lighten the burden.

Find a texting buddy

For me, the sense of isolation was so difficult in the night. I would walk around my house looking out the windows at the completely dark homes of all our neighbors. The perception that I was the only one having such a tough night made me feel so alone. The thing that helped so much was that I had a friend who had had a baby about a month before I did, and we would text each other through the night. We were often awake at different times, but when I would start a feeding and glance at my phone, it felt like a gift to see a text that she had sent when she was last awake. Sometimes we would commiserate, other times we would send a link to an interesting article, or a funny picture. Whatever it was, it was just the simple sense of connection that was so meaningful to me.

If you have a friend in a similar stage of life, perfect. The good news is that you don’t have to live in the same city to offer this kind of support. If you don’t have a friend who is going through the newborn phase at the same time, making connections through the Peanut app or a local or virtual support group can be really helpful.

Highlight some special entertainment

I recommend choosing a special podcast, audiobook, or TV show for overnight feedings. This is not the time for the most intellectually stimulating content, but rather something light and fun that you really look forward to consuming. I know, I know…we’re all supposed to stay away from screens before bed and through the night. But I feel like having something to look forward to when you’re climbing out of bed can make it just a tiny bit easier.

Reserve a special snack for nighttime

In a similar vein, having a special snack for the middle of the night can help you weather the frequent wakings. Especially if you’re breastfeeding, you’re burning calories around the clock, and having a nutritious snack ready to eat will keep you feeling well. If friends or family are asking if they can help you, asking for one-handed snacks that you can eat while feeding your baby can be a great way to channel the helpful intentions of your loved ones. Packaged snacks are certainly convenient, but having something homemade can feel special at a time when you need a boost.

Nap in the daytime

Frequent wakings are inevitable with a newborn. I’m not going to be one more person telling you to sleep when the baby sleeps. We all know how difficult that actually is. But, whenever possible, squeezing in even one quick nap a day can make the evenings feel less daunting. By starting from a place of being slightly better rested, you can feel more equipped to handle whatever comes your way during the overnight hours.

Ensure a good night’s rest when you can

What resources can you enlist to set you up for an occasional night of really good sleep? Is hiring an overnight postpartum doula a possibility? Can your partner handle more overnight feedings, or bring your baby to you for breastfeeding and then handle diaper changes and returning baby to sleep? Do you have family or close friends who could help for a night to help you catch up on some restorative sleep? No matter what, know that this phase truly is temporary, but at the same time it is a marathon and not a sprint. Knowing that you can sometimes get some truly restful blocks of sleep is critical.

Find a support group

Connecting with other new parents who are experiencing this same phase of life is so helpful. Many cities offer in-person offerings, or virtual groups are always an option. One example of an online group is through Postpartum Support International. They offer more than 50 virtual support groups for different audiences, all of which are free.

Seek mental health support

Becoming a parent, or adding another child to your family, is a huge life transition. I recommend that all my clients consider seeing a therapist to feel supported through this period. This is especially true if you are having these feelings of sadness, overwhelm, or isolation. A therapist trained in maternal mental health can help you strengthen coping mechanisms to move through these feelings.

Enlist a postpartum doula

Of course, I believe that a postpartum doula is an important addition to every parent’s support team. By having someone to lighten the load for you by assisting with newborn care, household needs, and providing emotional support, you will feel nurtured and cared for, rather than isolated. I always tell my clients that they don’t need to sugarcoat anything with me, and I feel so honored to be a part of conversations where parents are telling me all the things they’re experiencing. Being able to walk alongside new moms and dads through this tender period is so rewarding.

When the sun starts to set tonight, I hope you find some relief and hope in these tips. You are not alone in these feelings, and you will get through this phase. Please reach out if I can share any specific recommendations to help these nights feel a little easier.

About the Doula

Kathleen Robbins is a postpartum doula in St. Louis, Missouri. She offers in-person support to families nearby and works virtually with families all over the world. Kathleen is particularly passionate about maternal mental health and continues to educate herself about how to best support her clients.